Well hello there, how’s life? Has been it everything you wanted, expected? I woke up on the pessimistic side of the bed this morning and just feeling sh…stuff. The second cup of coffee has not kicked in. Occasionally, I too, get caught by the blue bugs and just want hide from the world. Maybe it’s because I am just not giving a shit anymore. However, I just opened an old card labled Tiki and popped it into the card reader and so glad I did. It reminds me of last year when hubby and I went to Chula Vista to see Lady Antebellum at what was called the Mattress Firm Amphitheater, yeah I know right?!?! It’s now called something else now, but anyhow, as I scanned over the thumbnails from that card I see pictures that make me laugh. Like the Nuclear Boobs, I mean the nuclear reactors in San Onofre.
Then I as I look at the photos, I see pictures from my side of the car. Luckily, I have learned how to slow my speed, even at 80 mph or so and shoot through the driver side window and not get objects, like moving cars, in my photos. It wasn’t that long ago when I used get in my car to head South, to quiet the voices in my world that made feel stuff. I think back to one rainy, windy night when I was running away and got as far as Gorman, CA, well maybe about 10 or 20 miles north of there. I had one of those, “Fuck this shit!” moments and I left and headed North. The kids were with their Dad and I had not had a day off in months. I was so sick of hearing what a bad person I was and it was coming out of my children’s mouth, so I thought, “Okay, you are right, I am bad and all those adult things you are calling me.” So, I grabbed a few days worth of clothes and threw them into my Mazda Protege and drove off one afternoon. Anyhow, I got as far as I mentioned and that was just after Gorman, CA. I remember how scared I was as the rain got so heavy that my windshield wipers could not keep up with the rain. It was dark and scary and I could barely make out anything in front of me. A car stopped in front of me suddenly and I stepped on the break with all my strength and then I remember spinning out and facing opposing traffic. Luckily for me and by the grace of God or my guardian angel, I ended up on the shoulder. I can still feel the shudder of my car as the semi-trucks whizzed by. Somehow, I pulled myself together and after sitting there for like a half hour, I righted the car, drove to next exit and it was like 10 miles away from what I remember, and came back home. I remember pulling back into the car port of my apartment and feeling defeated but I bounced back and kept going. It is easy to runaway but it is how you come back and if you can come back. Back then, I had to fight real demons with their real voices but really the biggest obstacle in my life was and has always been me. I’m 49 years old and what I have learned is that I am the creator of my destiny as I have either consciously or subconsciously chosen everything in my life. There is no one to blame for unhappiness as I have always had the choice to stay or go and I chose to stay, over and over. It is just like the real and tangible pain that I have experienced in the past. I can choose to how I want to handle it or not. Right now, I want to live and experience as much as I can. What I have observed about my physical pain is that pain is like dog shit. At first you smell it and all of its glory. Ever notice that after a few minutes, the smell is almost gone, that is until it moved or you walk away from it for a bit is when you can smell it again. So, once you get past the unpleasantness and decided to either pick it up and throw it away or live with it and experience the unpleasant smell occasionally. I’m throwing that shit away and going to see how far away from the smell I can get. For years, I waited for someone to protect me from the monsters under my bed, but I know that I must take care of them myself. Even the ones that ring bells in my face, and remind me of my past. So, with this mini rant/therapy session I can take a few steps forward. Really, like everyone, I want to blame some one or something for my unhappiness and again, thank you memories for showing me the path I need to choose and it’s not the one most traveled.
One the same card were pictures from our pit stop at a little cove near Balboa Island. I remember how peaceful it was. That was a good trip as I recall. We even stopped in Huntington Beach, CA as I wanted to try and get some shots of people surfing near the pier. However, the Universe had other plans. I remember hearing the sound of surf music as hubby and I were walking toward the pier and as we got closer I saw what was making that sound, it was the band The Tiki Creeps and what a treat!
First of all, I love music. I hate when people ask we what is my favorite, I have no answer for that question. It all depends on my mood but I can appreciate something in anything an artist produces and puts out into the world. For me, most, if not all of my memories are attached to music. It was a cool moment to watch those guys in the colorful clothing and wild hair, or maybe it was that they all were using Fender Jaguars. Yes, I noticed that as I always get caught up in what type of instrument musicians are playing. They had so much energy, it was contagious. Here is a link to a video I shot of them. One of their guitar players also played the theremin and that was so rad! The drummer gave the best drummer face I have seen. They sure looked comfortable playing and you could see how much they enjoyed what they were doing. The crowd was also having a good time. I still follow them on IG just to see if perhaps we can catch them again. You just never know the stars might align some day.
I was going to apologize for being a downer but I am on a “sorry” diet. I am going to refrain from saying that as I have said it probably 1 million times in my lifetime. I will say, thank you for going down the road with me. It was quite cleansing. To you reader and brave soul that took this journey with me today, have a beautiful day and remember to be yourself because you are the one that is key in your journey and story. Ciao bella!