Useless…

Hey! Today is the day, yeah that day, the one that has lived in Infamy since it was proclaimed by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, “December 7, 1941 – A date which will live in infamy.” As Japan had bombed Pearl Harbor in Hawaii and sunk the USS Arizona. Actually, he proclaimed that on December 8, 1941, but who cares. I am not sure if my kids remember me mentioning that fact as I always do on that date just as I always proclaim, “Et tu? Brute?” Every March 15, in memory of the Ides of March and of Julius Caesars fate on that date. Really, I should I try out for mediocre Jeopardy! I know about 70% of the answers, well, maybe a little more but I don’t want to brag. The thing is I have lots of useless info ruminating around in my noggin that I will probably never need unless I use it on a game show…thinking Cash Cab. My Dad also used to spout facts like that about wars and such, I wonder if my sister remember that?

I copied this from the Library of Congress. If you click on the link it will take you to the website.

Anyhow, today is the day. In a few hours I have a hearing. My last hearing to decide if I am disabled enough. Well, one things is, I am most certainly not doing it for the money and to milk the system. I know it is easy to accuse people of milking the system, I have uttered those words myself when I have had to figure out how to make 10 dollars buy enough groceries for a week and that included enough toilet paper to wipe 5 asses and watching someone paying for groceries with government aid. Trust me, I applied for it as well and only was able to secure it a few short, precious times and be denied countless other times. So, my apologies as I am a bit melancholy. Oh yeah, I have been mentioning that I am back on Topamax, for anyone on this drug, if you are experiencing feelings of sadness and hopelessness, it is the medication!!! (Okay, at least in my case) How do I know this? A journal, that is how. I may not write as often but the Topamax is needed to get my weight and seizures under control. Once I get to the desired weight then my physician can adjust my meds. There is a study I saw about fatty tissue and seizures and headaches. One of these days I will have to find it…

Thinking about my situation it reminded me of this song. The first time I heard it we were heading to Vegas, really! It was on Sirius and I think it was one of those new artist shows and I just thought she was amazing. They played a few of her songs and this was one them. Please press play.

Well thank you dear readers, yes readers, each and every one of you! Hope I gave you a moment to stop and be still and do nothing accept look at the words or listen to a song or look at pictures, you know, like you stopped at your Grama’s or your neighbors for a second or two. Go on with bad selves today and all those brains in your shoes. Wish me luck or make a fart sound, what ever! (Making a silly face and blowing a raspberry right back at you!) Hugs to those needing it.

For fun, I reposted an entry from just after my surgery in 2019. Here is the link to the original post.

Have I Been Here Before?

A few weeks ago, life was idyllic. My husband and I had just had a fabulous weekend.  We had seen Sammy Hagar and the Circle in La Quinta at the PGA West Tournament on January 28, 2019.  Okay, I am lying a little, I was in lots of pain, but he and I don’t get out much unless it is when he is playing or we both feel up for a night out or there is a band at Lit Lounge that we both like and I can get some practice shooting in.  Lately, I just had not been feeling it.  It had been showing in my photos.  Pain photography, as my term for it, because honestly, it was getting shitty no matter how I spun it.  I can’t wait to see what my shots will start looking like with a clearer head and less pain.  On January 29, 2019, I had an appointment with a Pain Doctor,  I can’t thank him enough. The only reason I got this appointment was I was desperate. I was in pain, I was having troubling peeing and something just didn’t feel right.  It reminded me of 1991. Anyhow, back to the present, I remember that I begged my Primary Care Physician to help and she said I was depressed. She prescribed nortriptyline, For “nerve” pain.  Not for my “depression” but it would help that too. I told her I was not depressed! I was angry and in pain.  I had never felt so patronized in my life. When did pain symptoms become the Kevin Bacon of depression?  I also requested Pain Management.  Bingo!  He was instrumental in finally getting the correct care of what was wrong with me. The following day I was sent to have a stat MRI and that evening was called and instructed to go to the nearest emergency room. Anyhow, the following day I had surgery to repair my spine.  Funny thing is that for the past few years I have been told my pain was caused by depression, how I don’t look sick, your tests are all normal, you look great, maybe if you lose a few pounds, maybe if you wore your hair differently, take these pills or how about these pills or these pills will make these pills better, or maybe if you stop being so jealous of everyone else and so on.  Why are people so quick to blame the person who is suffering? Back to my past,  In 1991, I was 21.  I was a single parent. I drank, I smoked and was an optician in Temple City, CA.  Around my 21 birthday, I was hard partying. My head hurt constantly, I was dizzy and I told My Doctor about this more than once. He prescribed Ativan and Motrin 800 mg. I never did take the Ativan because I never felt like I had anxiety. I try to tell him that. No one would believe me. Well, the day I had my stroke, I was 21 and the last thing I remember was trying to call my doctor.  From stories I have heard because after the bleed fully took over everything is spotty for two weeks, I was treated like I had a drug overdose until one nurse checked my eyes at my older sisters urging. My sister thought I might be wearing contact lenses. This was around 8 or 9 PM that night. This was almost 7 hours after my stroke, from an AVM.  Anyhow, they found It, got it fixed, and I met Lawrence, during this 6-month ordeal. He had the same condition, he and I got together, had kids, separated, he died from complications in 2008.  His AVM was in his spine and was deemed inoperable.  Anyhow, I could keep going on but I guess that will make me come back and write a bit more. I do apologize that it is not as advertised, Art and Music.  It will be soon.  I just need to heel and find some modified seats.  I am beginning to see a need for an adjustable sit/stand desk as I don’t think I will ever be able to fully sit erect for more than 10 minutes again. You just never know? To you invisible eyes, you made it this far and I thank you.  This only took 24 hours. If you happen to be a healthcare worker, I get that you are under so much pressure.  Please just listen to your patients.  Not everything is as what it seems.  Not all normal test results are normal and sometimes you need to connect the dots.  Not all of us are normal but being normal does not always mean that everything is okay…just saying.

May the road you are on today be smooth and get there safely.  Hope to be on the open roads again soon.  Peace, fuzzy slippers and sparkly shit.

Cauda Equina Syndrome
This was taken on February 1, 2019. I have Cauda Equina Syndrome.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Best of luck. And thank you for always linking the jams

    Like

  2. Thanks but it was postponed till next week 😦 You are welcome!

    Like

  3. Gosh, Michelle, you’ve been through so much in your 50 years on this earth, and have more courage to openly talk about it than most people I know – me included. Anyway, I love the song you shared by Caroline Rose, and the way her bandmates are so in tune with her on this performance is pure joy to watch.

    Your package arrived in the mail today, and it was a pleasant surprise to discover you sent me one of Jack White’s CDs. His music is different, but I do like him. I’m not very familiar with “Blunderbuss”, but look forward to listening to it, so THANK YOU! And yes, we must meet one another in 2021 when the Covid shitstorm lessens.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Jeff!
      Yay! You got it! I did something right, ha ha! Yeah, I kind of miss Meg on this CD but it is a good one. You are welcome.
      I know it hard for many people to believe that I have been through so much but really I wish I hadn’t. No, glad I can get it out so maybe it may help some one know that they are okay or going to be okay.
      Yeah, that Caroline Rose is pretty cool, her parents are even cooler! She posts about then every once in a while on IG. 🙂
      Looking forward to meeting 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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