Greetings earthlings! It is December 9, 2020 and you made it! Welcome to Tuesday, and 23 days left till we can put 2020 to bed. Lots of great news like the first person vaccinated in the UK against Covid-19! The USA should be lining people up soon. Hope they have plenty of suckers and happy face stickers to cover the inoculation sites on peoples arms. Okay, that is how you can get me to roll up my sleeve and take a shot, just saying or maybe a Ben & Jerry’s treat coupon? Oh sorry, dreaming again.
So, I mentioned that I was back on Topamax. Well, strike that. I am DC’ing this medication. I have put in a message to my physician to let make an appointment. A few weeks ago my eye had the familiar pain I thought perhaps my blood pressure was up as I had stopped taking all meds to figure out which one was causing the side effects, it was fine. Luckily, I have few brain cells and some skills I acquired in college left and started logging my symptoms both on and off the meds. I won’t get into all the logistics cause I was just doing this for my own info so I could present some evidence to my physician as to why I needed to change meds. Also, before I started logging these symptoms, I chose to stay away from the list of side effects that the medications manufacturer publishes as I did not want to manifest those effects, like a hypochondriac. Anyhow, so a few days ago, the old crying, sad feelings, pain in the eye, pain in the right side, can’t sleep..it just goes on and on, started, I had restarted the Topamax 14 days ago and had fully been on 100 mg PO per day, a very mild dose for three days. Only 2 years ago, I was taking 400 mg and almost swallowed several pills that I had been saving for a rainy day. This was April 2018, a week prior to Stagecoach, and why I remember so vividly. Luckily, because of Cauda Equina Syndrome, my right leg went numb when I stood up to go take care of business and tripped, spraining my ankle. Can’t make this shit up, wish I could…Thank you God for saving me, really! I thought that maybe everyone that had been saying I was too thin skinned and emotional or taking things to seriously were right and I needed to toughen up. No, they were all ASSHOLES, plain and simple, and I am no longer making excuses for their behavior. Seriously though, ya’ll probably are just hurting like me and need a hug. That just felt so amazing! 🙂
To any one feeling depressed, sad, hopeless, stuck in the mud, depressed, funky, yucky, can’t quite figure it out. hmmm, what else, just can’t find the words. Check what is in your medicine cabinet and what you are taking. Hubby and I took a trip to Arizona to see his daughter graduate from college just shortly after that attempt.. I video taped most of the trip as I had an idea to start recording bits and parts of our life for kids and leave on Youtube so that we can still be around, even if we aren’t. I noticed, my voice was not as deep and I spoke so much clearer. I had been on Topamax for about 6 or so months and they had just increased my dosage as I had been having increased seizure activity on top of the pain in my back. When we got to the graduation, I had to stand by myself and Hubby sat with his family. This was the second time in my life that I had been on Topamax, the first time was in 2002 and I was titrated to quickly and became dehydrated so I was put on Carbatrol, another anti-seizure med. Back to that arena and the graduation, I stood with other parents and families of other students in that stadium as there was limited seating. Besides, I hadn’t really wanted to go but knew that Hubby needed moral support. There in the stadium, and alone, I had my first breakdown. I tried my hardest to hold it together. However, I did meet a very lovely lady that talked to me during the ceremony. She kept my mind occupied and kept me together that day. Remember, the kindness of strangers…
It was a lovely trip as I recall. I can usually put on a great mask and get on with myself as I have all these years. Hubby was lovely. He did after the ceremony hurry me off that campus when he should have stayed to get a few photos for memories with his kids. He didn’t want me to have to wait by myself for any longer that morning. I really appreciated his gesture but would have happily waited for him to take care of business. I know it probably sounds like I am having pity party but I am not, really, just having a realization and it is a good thing. A Yin and Yang moment.
As I was saying about the Topamax, here is a screen shot of the side effects that I stupidly did not look at in all the years that I have been taking it. Where can I find the person with the largest hands to face palm me?
So, for the last few days I had been increasingly melancholy, like right now, I am fighting the urge to breakdown and start belting out, Leaving on a Midnight Train to Georgia. My heart has been making wild flutters and my breathing has been labored. No, I again, I do not have Covid-19 and I guess it is not my allergies as what I suspected? I wonder how many others taking this medication are experiencing these symptoms, you know the stuffy nose followed by the uncontrolled runny nose and 8 count sneezes. Wonder why I stay home, lately? Yeah, I guess I am over sharing but hopefully, this will help one person, maybe even my own family as I know that others in my family have been on this medication. Speaking of my family and science, I have made up my mind. My often, befuddled, lost and worried mind. I have decided to donate my brain to science. My kids know that I wish to be cremated as I do not want to take up precious space on this earth that can be used for my future families family. My brain has had hundreds of MRI’s with both contrast and without. CT scans, Pet scans, been subjected to years of solu-medrol (steroids), and countless anti-convulsants and blood pressure meds. Had a few concussions, thinking about that last skateboarding accident at the Staples Center. My brain had radio-surgery 20 plus years ago at UCSF performed by Dr. Grif Harsh MD, the son, not the dad, Gamma Knife so my brain was “cut” with beams of gamma radiation to kill the lesion in my brain oh and then there is the years of alcohol and Mary Jane and the prescribed pain pill party. Anyhow, this is my, awake brain, as I have been up since just after midnight. As my doctors and now lawyers have said in exasperation, “You have a complex case.” Yes, I have to agree. So, I speak of gifts often, this will be my gift to the world, use my brain to learn what the effect medications and diagnostic testing or whatever they need to discover to save one life or ease one persons future suffering.
Wow, did you make to this sentence? I thank you. Do check on your family and friends, you know the ones that seem like they are strong, always quick with a joke and ready to listen to your problems. We all have one of those friends, you know the one you miss now because they are no longer here. Also, now is the time to start thinking about the vaccination and will you be taking it. I for one, will. Despite everything that I have been through, those two shots, (the initial shot and booster) are for the greater good in mankind even if a few people may not see it that way. Yes, there will be side effects, and hiccups but all medications have them. Topamax may not be the miracle drug for me, but for the person that was suffering from uncontrolled seizures it may be those only thing that is saving them and the benefits far outweigh the side effects. All I am saying is, be informed about the effect of things that you are going to put into your body. The more you know, right?
To you dear reader, where ever in the world you are, I hope you have a peaceful day and that someone listens to you. Hugs to you and especially to YOU! Oh yeah, if this in any way affected you, pick up that phone, write an email, send a letter or a card to that person you haven’t spoken to in years or since last week, call your brother or sister and tell them that you are Mom’s favorite and hang up…that is all 🙂