Magic…

Good morning world! How are you? Really, I do mean it, how are you? Today is March 11, 2021 and it has been two days since my fourth oldest sister, Denise, died. All I can say is I got my wish, all my sisters breathing the same air for a few, precious moments. I am ever so thankful to my sister Cathy, she has the kindest and biggest heart. Without her, our sister may have died alone. She got us all into contact. I owe her so much. Now, comes the woulda’ shoulda, coulda. Those thoughts that eat at you. My sister, Denise, this weekend, would look at me and utter “Numbers, numbers.” I cried a little because I think that meant that she has read my posts as she is a subscriber, I checked. Me being an asshole, I blocked her from FB because I didn’t want to participate in bashing another sister so publicly, even though we were both upset with her. I just wanted peace and not a war of silence as I never meant I wasn’t thinking about her. I cried at my Uncles 75th birthday party when I went up to her and said “hi” and she looked away, not speaking to me, a few years ago. I do cherish the couple of years before I moved to the Coachella Valley, that we spent together. She took me to Vegas. We met every Tuesday night at T Phillips in Monrovia to play trivia. Our team name was Little Lebowski’s Under Achievers. Anyhow, numbers is a common theme in most posts so maybe she was referring to that, not sure as we have had this strange connection through out our lives and she has swept in to save me a few times when I was in trouble and had not called out for help, thinking about the time she saved me when I was stranded on the 15 Fwy on a hill 30 miles before Baker, CA and neither one of us was aware that we were both in Las Vegas on the same weekend. OMG! I just remembered, it was in the late 70s (I was around 8) and I had been outside, reading a book under the apricot tree that was in our back yard. She ran out of the back door and started yelling at me. I thought for a moment she was crazy, and then I felt it. the earth started moving and I heard cracking. It was not an earthquake! I got up and ran! The tree was rotten with termites and had toppled over where I had been sitting just moments earlier if she hadn’t instinctively got my attention before it came crashing down. No lie, I would have died that day. (thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!) Anyhow, here is a little music for this journey.

Gotta love those cellphone videos!!!

Survivors guilt is real, that is for sure. I feel guilty for being an asshole and choosing to let a few bad comments and hurt feelings keep me from my sister when I know she needed me and the other three of us. Truthfully, I stayed away from all of them as really, I had never felt included and like a burden. I imagined in my head that if I reached out they would probably think I needed something. I tried to explain to my sisters this weekend. I am not blaming them. I tried to explain that we lived in two different families. The family before I was born and then the fractured family after I was born. My older sisters all grew up together and I remember when I was little counting down the days till my 21st, and 30th birthday parties as they all celebrated those milestones together. Trust me, I wanted to have Chip and Dale stripper stories with them but sadly didn’t. However, I am, so glad that Denise got to do many fun things with my older sisters. No, I am not putting this out there for sympathy, I just need my kids to know the story because if I die before my sisters, I want my kids to know my story and not solely what my sisters remember. However, I am glad that I have spent the past years learning to live without them. Creating my own memories with my family, my kids and husband. One of my sisters mentioned that I am always happy. Yes and no. I guess I hide it well. Ha ha! Really though, I want to be happy and look for it everywhere. Happiness is a choice and I hope that sister makes it a choice for this last part of our lives.

I turned 51 on Sunday, it was nice to have my sisters around and to see my boys, even under the circumstances. My son’s gave me a the best birthday gifts. They gave me, 11×14 canvases, paint brushes, paint, some high percentage stuff, baking pans so I can wake and bake, a huge ass (yes, had to say it that way!) lottery scratcher and candy! Ummm candy…Twix and Sour Gummy worms….drooling….They were so proud and I felt so loved. Even though it was a sad day for everyone, I was smiling a huge as teeth baring grin on the inside!

Now to paint something on those big ass canvases πŸ™‚

I had so much more to write, but now is not the time. I have erased tons as my hurt feeling were flowing out of my finger tips fast and furiously. I remembered though, I had pictures from the last trip Denise and I took together to Vegas. We stayed at the New York, New York. My sister loved Las Vegas and to gamble oh an bowl. Speaking of bowling, she loved it and was on a league. That was the reason we went to Vegas that weekend πŸ™‚ She would also gift my sisters free rooms and concert tickets at many of the shows at those hotels as she got many free tickets. She loved that she was a VIP and was comped rooms and received many special perks like turn down service and we had a basket of goodies waiting in our suite when we arrived. It was the coolest!! She used many of her perks to take me out to a couple of shows and to see the shark exhibit at the Luxor. I thought I had a few photos of her but sadly I do not. I did find a phone video from the ride home from Vegas. You know that four hour ride down the 15 if there is slight traffic. That day, there was a fire along the 15 in Victorville and at one point she had to turn the car off as traffic hadn’t budged for30 minutes. It took 8 hours to get back and a detour through Palmdale/Lancaster and LA to get home. Although I know it was hard for her, she let me drive the last couple of hours home once we reached Santa Clarita. Maybe God or whoever, knew we needed to spend that time together and I am so thankful for that gift.

This was filmed on the 15 FWY on May 5, 2014 on our way home and ass drive. She was driving.

My sister or should I say sisters, have all had a huge influence on my musical tastes. Denise went to many concerts like the Scorpios Black Out Tour and Journey Frontiers tour and I know that she saw them, Journey, at the Rose Bowl once in the 80s. In 1985, I had thought it was 1984 as 1985 was challenging year as I am now remembering, she took me to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band at the Colosseum in Los Angeles. She went to all four nights that he performed. It was the best and I remember how special it felt to be in that huge place with all those people singing his songs out loud. I don’t think my friend Shannon and I sat for too many songs that night. That night he played for four hours, yes 4 full hours and he probably could have played four more. Thank you Denise for everything and especially for being my sister and your last selfless act as you saved me, once again.

This was from that concert in 1985.

Thank you for going on this journey with me as I appreciate it. Really, I have so much more to write but know that nothing I say or do with change the outcome of what has already happened. All I can do is keep going forward and living and learning to keep my heart open and to keep loving my sisters in whatever way I can.

To you dear reader may today be a good one filled with good thoughts. I know it is clichΓ© to say, reach out to people as tomorrow is not promised, however, yes, if you are thinking about someone and you have not seen or spoken to them in awhile, no matter the circumstances, reach out, it won’t hurt too much, trust me….Peace, love, joy and happiness to you and you and especially YOU!

14 Comments Add yours

  1. terrie gura says:

    OMG, I’m so sorry for the loss and the grief and the guilt you have endured. 😦
    Your post today has me weeping over my own family drama. Not the same, but you have definitely got me thinking.

    Broken family relationships are so, so hard, and finding a balance between having compassion for them and preserving your own mental health is never easy. I’m glad you had the time with your sisters and that your kids brought you such joy on your birthday! (Happy Belated to you! <3)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish Terrie, I could hug you! Yes, they are hard, but what makes it harder is all the family secrets that kept us torn apart. I am very open with my own children and hide nothing from them, almost to a fault.
      I wish you well and good thoughts or an ear to listen or eyes to read if you ever need to let it out. I truly understand.

      Thank you for reaching out. Be safe πŸ™‚

      Like

    1. and not in a good way…sorry looking for humor πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. Cathryn Davis says:

    Love you little sister of mine! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love you too! Thank you so much for getting us to all talk again πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. djtrishm says:

    Hugs and Prayers for the lose of your sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Trish!

      Side note, I am a little delayed on getting your package together but it is coming πŸ™‚

      Like

      1. djtrishm says:

        aww thanks. You got a lot on you rplate right now. Take your time. Love ya!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Bless you! Thanks Trish! Love ya!

        Like

  4. Oh Michelle, I feel so badly for your loss, and the emotional roller-coaster you’ve gone through over the past week. Losing a sibling is one of those life-altering events that really shines a spotlight on our own mortality. Both sides of my family have also experienced broken relationships and estrangements, some lasting years, and those lost years can never be recovered, nor the hurt ever be fully healed. But sometimes we must do what we need to do to maintain our own sanity and well-being.

    On the good side, it’s wonderful you got to be together with your other sisters as well as your sons. And happy belated birthday too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jeff,

      Yes, it has been a roller coaster. Such a perfect description. Yes, it is like she opened up that door in our lives that we had been ignoring since our parents died. I wish that you didn’t have to experience those family issues cause it has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with, that we all have had to deal with since losing our parents.

      It was like my sisters one last thing she did before she died by getting us all together a true gift for me and for all of us.

      Take care and hopefully we will get a little more of that rain πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. rkrontheroad says:

    So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose the people you are close with. Try not to live with regrets but remember the good times and love you have had for each other through the years.

    Like

    1. You are so right. I have been trying to remember all the happy times.

      Thank you for your kind words and have beautiful day.

      Michelle

      Liked by 1 person

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